how did I get here...
I’ve always had a curiosity around it & a lot unanswered questions.
A reverence for it, a knowing somewhere deep within me that sex is sacred. That sex is this magnificent gift given to us, this wild force, this mysterious space of magic, this source of power… but the world around me wasn't reflecting that...
so I also acquired a lot of shame, fear, discomfort, confusion, unfulfillment & rage around it ….
Let’s look at what I learned from the world around me, maybe you will recognize some of your own story here…
CATHOLIC CHURH + 13 YEARS OF CATHOLIC SCHOOLING
sex was shrouded in a silent shame, except to tell us sex outside of marriage is major sin. Oh so is masturbation by the way. My body was viewed as a temptation, inappropriate, something to cover up.
I knew this was shit from a young age, I knew this came from a group of controlling men, not my loving Creator, but that didn't stop those seeds from being planted somewhere deep in my subconscious & spreading like the destructive weeds they are, unknowingly impacting my relationship to my sexuality, body, desire, & pleasure...
sex is no big deal. sex is just sex. sex is everywhere - everyone is doing it, everyone is using it to either sell something, to get something - to get love, to get validation, to get off. Sex is merely a physical act, nothing more. Samantha Jones taught me that female empowerment meant ‘having sex like men’ - which apparently meant meaningless, random, frequent, emotion-less sex...
This narrative was packaged as liberating & sex-positive but really just seemed to fuel objectification of each others, the commodification of sex, and ultimately minimized & limited it. I wasn’t buying this narrative either - it felt cheap, it felt dismissive, lacking & unfulfilling to me
the MALE GAZE that everything in media was filtered through
men only want one thing... and when they get it they are gone. I saw women's bodies & sexuality portrayed as something for men, their gratification, their fantasies, another notch in their belts. I saw it as something we 'give away' or 'put out' and something they 'get' (hey bro, did you get some last night?) I saw our value being reduced to our looks & whether or not we would sleep with someone. I saw us be put in-between the rock & a hard place of not being a prude or a tease but also not being too easy, a slut. I saw all the power of our sexuality be stripped away through this gaze.. yeah this all fucked me up pretty hard...
& I still see this shit and I am tired & fed up & mad as hell when it comes to this nonsense- hence why I am doing this work.
also from a young age I was instilled with a fear - a fear of my body, a fear of what could happen to it, a fear of my sexuality, of being too sexy, to 'tempting' because simply being a woman puts me in danger. It was so deeply ingrained in me that I need to be careful, that my body isn't safe in this world, that I am the prey and this world is full of sexual predators & that at any moment I could have my most basic human rights violated...
I still carry & work with this one. I can't explain how devastating this reality is to me. It breaks my heart what women have gone through, carry, continue to go through... but the most beautiful thing I have seen on my journey is the resilience of the female body, sexuality & spirit & the glorious victory of healing & reclaiming them.
I KNEW SEX WAS SACRED. NOT INNATELY SHAMEFUL.
I KNEW IT WAS A BIG DEAL, NOT 'JUST SEX.'
I KNEW THERE MUST BE MORE THAN WHAT I WAS BEING SHOWN + TOLD...
But with no real avenues to discover my sacred, powerful, true sexuality. I repressed my natural desires, avoided sex as long as I could & then when I did start having sex it was obligatory -
an inevitable in a relationship…
A checklist item that if I checked it off frequently enough that meant I was keeping the relationship on track.
It became a performance for my partner’s benefits. And maybe if I could just be seen as sexy, good in bed, devote myself to their pleasure, while also making it look like they were rocking my world (which they most certainly weren’t) then maybe that would make me feel the aliveness, the freedom, the fulfillment I craved. If I could convince them I was sexually satisfied maybe I could trick myself as well...
But the kind of sex I yearned for felt miles and miles away, an impossible desire.
I SPENT YEARS WANTING MORE OUT OF SEX.
DREAMING of ecstatic rolling waves of pleasure + expansive orgasms
WANTING to surrender + loose myself in the experience
DESPERATE to unleash this wild sensual essence within me
ACHING for a heart explosion of love + desire
CRAVING to feel on fire, radiant, alive, liberated, adored
HUNGRY for soulful sex, wanting a spiritual experience in my sexuality
I spent years wanting this. And settling for bread crumbs.
Forcing my body into situations she didn't want.
Saying yes when she was saying no. Not speaking up.
Not speaking my desires. Not really knowing my desires...
Not stopping when things hurt. Rarely orgasming from sex.
I tried to make up for this lack of fulfillment in my solo sex time..
but I was just as bad of a lover as all these guys,
I wanted them to give me something I couldn't even give myself...
But I didn't know what was possible.
I didn't know how to really make love to myself.
I didn't know how to build energy & pleasure.
I didn't know how to relax & expand into the experience.
I didn't know I could use my breath, sound, movement & intention to
heighten pleasure & move sexual energy through my body.
I didn't know that this intimate time with myself could be a gateway to the deepest forms of self-love, of profound healing, of true empowerment.
A gateway to creativity, of streams of inspiration waiting to flow through me.
I didnt know this time could be a gateway to God.
I didn't know. I was never told. I was never taught. I was never shown.
All I knew was this wasn’t it. There was more.
There had to be more & I ached for it.
I was hungry & thirsty in a sexual desert - no oasis in sight.
But EVERYTHING changed while I was in my mid-twenties on a backpacking trip through Southeast Asia, as one does when they are facing a quarter-life crisis….
I VERY SERENDIPITOUSLY FOUND MYSELF ON A TWO WEEK ' SACRED FEMININE IMMERSION' WITH A TANTRIC TEACHER, SOFIA SUNDARI...
To say these two weeks changed my life is an understandment. It was a whole new world of remembering the sacred feminine, intuitive dance & movement, nourishing & loving touch, profound sisterhood, coming to know my authentic wild nature & letting of her out of her cage, learning to love & listen to my body, discovering the power of my breath & my voice, being out in nature, having the most real, connected, vulnerable conversations with new sisters, being initiated into the healing & empowering practice of using yoni eggs, speaking to my pussy & letting her speak back, forgiving myself, glimpsing my own divinity...
It was all brand new, yet it was all so oddly familiar. It was as if all the hidden knowledge that I carried in my bones, in my DNA, in my soul, from the lineage of my feminine lines, from other life times, from a time when I was one with the Source of it, all came rushing in & bubbling back up to the surface.
Here I was in this beautiful jungle resort in Bali - surrounded by 20 other women from all over the world, hearing what I always knew, what I ached to hear -
Sex is sacred. Your body is sacred. There is more to you than you’ve been told.
These bodies & our sexuality are powerful.
It was all being affirmed. And I was eating it up, the famine was over & I could finally feast on all my soul's desires.
From there I continued to study with Sofia, entering into her Priestess Temple training. I was initiated through rituals & ceremonies into a deep love, reverence, respect for my body, for the temple it was, for the wisdom, the divinity, the power she holds. I went through a profound sexual healing & activation. I learned the healing art of sexual dearmouring, of yoni massage & devotional bodywork - approaching these bodies with deep respect, awe, care & devotion, restoring divinity, love & safety to our most sacred places.
It was during this training that I was so deeply moved by the collective wounds that all women carry around their sexuality & body. It was like a tidal wave crashing down on me when I realized how much pain, shame, trauma we are carrying around with us, how this has disconnected us from our one true homes, the gift that our sexuality is, and the power that these bodies & our sexuality has for us. I was pummeled by those waves & it was heart-wrenching...
And then the waves settled & I could look around at the profound & glorious healing that was taking place,
the reclamation of their bodies, their sexuality, their power that was happening,
the unashamed, unrestrained celebration of the female body, beauty & sexuality that was happening.
the resilience of the feminine spirit that was making herself know.
And I was overcome.
I SO DEEPLY FELT, ALL WOMEN DESERVE THIS.
I felt unbleivedly sad for all the women who never got the chance, who would never get the chance. But I felt overwhelmingly hopeful & grateful for all the women who would. Who would get the chance, the space, the support to reclaim themselves - their bodies, their beauty, their sexuality, their power, their innate value, their sacredness.
In that moment I knew, I knew this is what I am here for. I am here for this reclamation. This healing. This celebration. This homecoming. This glorious victory.
From there, I immediately enrolled in a year-long very intense, very comprehensive Sex, Love & Relationship Coaching training with Layla Martin. It was year of such deep unlearning & remembering.
It was a year of insights - one revelation after another, one a-ha followed by 10 more.
It was a year of so much compassion - for myself, for my journey & for all the women in my program who I was practicing with, learning how to hold them, their stories with such compassion & reverence.
It was a year of self-love like I never knew before - I learned how to see my sexuality, as a gateway to the most profound intimacy with myself, as a space to deeply connect, heal, & love myself.
It was a year I dedicated to myself, to my body, to my sexuality - to really peeling back the layers, to releasing what wasn’t mine, to healing, to restoring, to unleashing, to expanding.
In that year, I felt my power coming back to me, I felt worthy, I felt valuable, I felt lovable, I felt sexy, I felt purposeful, I felt passionate, inspired - and I was the source of it - No one was responsible for it.
It was that year I met my now fiance & I could begin to share this new relationship to sex with another.
It was & continues to be a learning journey. Where communication is key, where compassion is needed, where safety is highly valued & tended to, where sex needs to be a priority, where unlearning & unwinding are necessary, where deep healing is happening, where expansion is always possible...
I AM STILL ON THE JOURNEY. AND FOR THAT I AM CONTINUOUSLY HUMBLED & GRATEFUL.
I don't claim to know it all. And I am definitely not under the assumption that I know what is best, most aligned & authentic for you.
But I do believe you have that knowledge within you.
I do believe you are worthy of unconditional love & compassion (first & foremost - your own).
I believe you are sacred.
I believe your body is a divine masterpiece that deserves awe, respect, adoration, celebration.
I believe your sexuality is sacred.
I believe its a gateway - to what? I don't know, that's for you to discover.
I believe we are not meant to do this work alone. I believe when women gather, magic happens.
I believe our stories are important. I believe sharing them is healing - for the sharer & the listener.
I am here to share the deep feminine wisdom I have & continue to excavate from deep within, and to hand you the flashlight to go on your own mission inwards.
I am here to offer you a new lens to look yourself, your body, your beauty, your sexuality through, because the one this world handed up is pretty shit.
I am here to create sanctuaries, sacred space for us to slow down, to gather & devote time to ourselves, our bodies, our sexuality...
I AM HERE TO HEAL, RECLAIM + CELEBRATE WITH YOU!
CERTIFICATIONS | INITIATIONS | EXPERIENCES
Holistic Health Coaching (2015)
Institute of Integrative Nutrition
Sacred Feminine Immersion (2016)
Priestess Temple Training (2017-2019)
200 HR Yoga Teacher Training (2018)
Sex, Love & Relationship Coach Training (2018)
Layla Martin, Tantric Institute of Integrated Sexuality
Breathwork Facilitator Training
Alchemy of Breath (2019)
Creating Safer Spaces: Trauma Awareness & Trauma Informed Care Training (2019)
Magic of You Astrology Training (2020)
Madi Murphy, CosmicRx
Vagina Awakening Embodiment Journey (2021)
Crystal Pleasure Yoni Egg Program (2021)
Layla Martin, Tantric Institute of Integrated Sexuality
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